Just driving around…

Sometimes I like to get in my car and pick a road and get in some phototherapy. This day was one of those days. I wish I could tell you where I took this, but sadly I have no clue.

I came across this beauty and had to pull over and soak it in. Snap snap snap…I was able to take other photos as well but finding them all has been a challenge at best. This one popped up in my “On This Day” yesterday. But not the others.

Guess my lesson for yesterday is that I should be more organized with my photos.

I Am And What I’m Not

Why do I feel unworthy of anything? Less valuable than….? Why does what happened to me for years and still happens, make me feel those things?

Ugly? Who determines beauty anyways? Isn’t it God, the creator, who decides? And even if I’m physically butt ugly, should that really determine my self-worth?

I feel ugly on the inside because of the things that plague my thoughts and heart many many times throughout the day. I’m learning that those thoughts do not dictate who I am, where I’m headed, what I do, or my beauty!

I am not ugly! I am not my thoughts or my fears. I am who and what God made me!

There are things and experiences imprinted on my soul and heart, but I’m learning to overcome those things.

I’ve always believed I was marked for sexual abuse, but I know now that I AM marked by God. He has placed His seal upon me. And God’s mark trumps any markings from man!

Better

I am going to get better

When that will be

I have no idea

But that knowledge

Gives me relief

Of mind, body, and soul

The voices may never cease

But my attention

And my need to appease them

Will be ignorable

I AM going to get better!

No One Knows

No One Knows

Fakeness, masks
Hiding behind something we’re not
Never lifting the veil

Bumping, bruising
Eyes wide shut
The façade goes on

The hidden truth, lies
The blurred lines
The tangled webs we weave

Known, unknown, who knows
It’s all a game
Truth is no one knows

Laughter, smiles, tears
The stares, glances, fears
Never knowing what’s real

Disguises, Walls
Shamed to be seen
Embarrassment overrides

SHH, quiet, cut
Deep self-hate
Draw it in, let no one see

Pretend to be them
They pretend to be those
Those pretend to be….me

And yet no…one…knows
Brenda Matteson
11-30-2012