Better

I am going to get better

When that will be

I have no idea

But that knowledge

Gives me relief

Of mind, body, and soul

The voices may never cease

But my attention

And my need to appease them

Will be ignorable

I AM going to get better!

No One Knows

No One Knows

Fakeness, masks
Hiding behind something we’re not
Never lifting the veil

Bumping, bruising
Eyes wide shut
The façade goes on

The hidden truth, lies
The blurred lines
The tangled webs we weave

Known, unknown, who knows
It’s all a game
Truth is no one knows

Laughter, smiles, tears
The stares, glances, fears
Never knowing what’s real

Disguises, Walls
Shamed to be seen
Embarrassment overrides

SHH, quiet, cut
Deep self-hate
Draw it in, let no one see

Pretend to be them
They pretend to be those
Those pretend to be….me

And yet no…one…knows
Brenda Matteson
11-30-2012

This Thorn Of Mine

The pain is real
It is deep and wide

This chasm I cannot cross
Nor can I shed

My knees buckle
Beneath the weight

The thorn mine
I will accept

To bear on this journey
Till I reach
Heaven’s Gates

Brenda Matteson

12-2-2012

Do You Know?

Do you know that I thought of you today

Wondered if you felt okay

Did you need anything

What’s that? Sorry, thought you looked my way.

Do you know I wanted to you talk today

Wondered did you have the time

Came close a time or two

What’s that? Sorry, thought it was you.

Do you know I want to spend time with you

Wondered if you’d make the time

Seen you with your friends

What’s that? Sorry, thought you were talking to me.

Do you know I often cry for you?

Wondered if you even cared

I see that you shed some tears

What’s that? Sorry, you want me to dry them clear?

Do you know that I love you deeply

Wondered if you remember the cost

I see you standing close by my side

What’s that? Sorry? Yes, I have forgiven you.

Do you know that I thought of you today?

Brenda Matteson

10-2-2012

Please Be Quiet

I’m tired, rejected, and all-out unworthy…

At least that’s what the voices want me to believe.

Problem is this…where are the human voices that tell me different?

I have plenty of friends that tell me the good things.

But there’s that one person, just one that I really need to hear it from.

Nothing, No matter how bad I feel.

It’s lost on them.

What, who, or where am I to them?

So the voices continue to penetrate whatever barriers I create.

To Bear The Weight Of Sin

Fallen soldier of glory

Marching to the sounds of your pain

The weight of your sin

Bearing down heavily on you

The sorrow and guilt of your agony

Is written plainly on your face

The heaviness in the depths of your heart

And the grief in the groaning of your unspoken words

Are carried along with the winds

Of the burdens of your shame

Lift your downcast head for just a moment

Listen not to the mockers all around

Preaching from their self-righteous planks

For even Christ with the cross

Could not bear the weight alone

The strength and company of a friend

From the crowd came a lending hand

And together, arm and arm

Walking side by side

They drug the heavy cross

And so it is with you and me

When life becomes a struggle

When we take the wrong roads

When we make the wrong choices
We must face it headlong

Make right our wrongs

Make tomorrow a better day

Tomorrow choosing the better way.

Aug 31, 2012

Haunted By You

You all stole something from me

I’d like it back from you.

When you raped me, touched me,

tried to make me believe

something that wasn’t right

or even true,

It ruined me inside and out.

There’s a deep dark pit in

hell waiting just for you.

You darkened a piece of my soul.

where you placed your dirty filthy name.

You placed a recording that never stops,

It’s always in playback mode.

I couldn’t have hated myself more

than when that recording becomes

too loud to drown out.

I’ve tried to quieten it, destroy it,

replace it, but it’s never silent nor still.

You robbed me of my value,

placing unworthiness in my mind.

By taking me, you transferred your worth onto me

making me turn on myself;

creating a deep, loathing self-hater.

I sought love, affection, and my worth

in all the wrong places.

Reaping more and more

worthless feelings and self-hate.

You stole my peace,

chaos running wild and free;

taming any notion to fight and break free.

I’d like the return of my peace.

My desire is to go even an hour

with the good things in life

to occupy my thoughts.

Instead the demons you placed there

scratch and claw their way into the forefront.

Pain chases the hope for peace

into deep darkness, peace is quiet.

You wrote many things in my life,

words no child or woman should ever hear.

Words and phrases that make any relationship hard;

anger, hate, and bitterness flowing to the surface

and exploding on them.

I didn’t deserve this, neither do they!

I am good enough,

I have amounted to something,

I am marriage material,

I am good for something more than just sex!

Truth be told, it’s your view of me that is tragic.

You see me as valueless, worthless, only good for sex.

Problem is…I WAS A CHILD!!!

I lost me that day.

Whoever I was created to be

you took that from me.

That 7-year-old girl

still walks around trying to survive

She’s stuck in this loop, and she’s tired.

She can’t die,

she can’t walk away,

She’s immortal.

You stripped me of my innocence

Took it and hung it around your neck.

I pray it chokes you to death!

When you look at me

It’s as if I’m your trophy

You had me first, didn’t you…

I was your gift from something unseen.

Maybe the demons in your mind

are screaming your name too,

I pray they never cease.

I can’t look at myself in the mirror

or a picture of myself without seeing

the things you wrote there.

Things like depression, pain, ugliness,

worthless, valueless, hate, anger, and destroyed.

You ripped out my childhood,

which has been tied to my adulthood.

I can’t get away from myself or my demons.

And if you chose to open your eyes,

and see what you have done to me,

you might find your demons there too,

Hiding behind my eyes.

Tears In Heaven

I know the pain you feel is great
Your heart almost refusing to beat
Your lungs refusing to fill themselves with air

The hopes you had for me now shattered
Dreams never realized My time with you cut way too short
So I wait for you here

As we walk these streets of gold
Worshiping our King of Glory Know that I will never be far from you

You will hear my voice in a soft whisper
Carried to you on the lips of a butterfly
You will feel my gentle kiss
As a raindrop hits your cheek just so

You will feel the strength of my embrace
As the sun warms you from above
You will feel me play in your hair
As the wind blows gently by

My laughter will be brought to you
Without warning and dropped into your ears
Familiar things I used to say
Will be said by others, even strangers

You will never forget me
I will live on in each one of your hearts
Memories of me will just come to you
That’s me visiting you and touching your hearts

I will also visit you in dreams
Though they may be painful at first
You will come to treasure those times too

I’m sorry to have left you so suddenly
I tried to stay and fight
I wish I could have said goodbye
But you know that I loved each of you dearly

The pain you’ve had to endure
The tears you’ve shed for me
Have filled many bowls here on heaven’s floor
Just know your prayers were heard

Even though you think they were not answered
I assure you, they were There are no tears in heaven, no sorrow
Nor are there any broken hearts

So I send my love to you
On the gentle and fragile wings
Of the majestic and beautiful butterfly.

By Brenda Matteson

Empty Loneliness

Voices, visions, faces, and pain swam through her mind at a quickened pace.

Her heart is made of gold, but her mind chaotic,

Her arms…empty.

She just wanted to be loved the way she loved.

To be respected and to be shown goodness.

In some other universe, maybe she would be.

But in this one…she doubted she’d find him.

The world loved to play games with her, encouraging and teasing her just to drop her.

What did she have to do to be loved? Pretend to be someone she’s not?

Beauty? She had none, not physically anyway.

Ugly to the bone? She fit that bill perfectly.

Goodness, kindness, acceptance, and love? That would always be who she was.

But though men say that’s what they want, skin beauty is all they truly desire.

Work, play, and love as hard as she can, but they place little value on her.

She’s just a non-impressive face in the crowd. The crowd made up of the normal to spectacular beauty.

Her face, her love, her voice…forgettable.

Not deserving of anything in return, only disgust.

She has so much to offer others,

but no one wants what she has.

So her arms remain…empty.

But filled with loneliness.

Brenda Matteson