No One Knows

Fakeness, masks
Hiding behind something we’re not
Never lifting the veil

Bumping, bruising
Eyes wide shut
The façade goes on

The hidden truth, lies
The blurred lines
The tangled webs we weave

Known, unknown, who knows
It’s all a game
Truth is no one knows

Laughter, smiles, tears
The stares, glances, fears
Never knowing what’s real

Disguises, Walls
Shamed to be seen
Embarrassment overrides

SHH, quiet, cut
Deep self-hate
Draw it in, let no one see

Pretend to be them
They pretend to be those
Those pretend to be….me

And yet no…one…knows
Brenda Matteson
11-30-2012

I’m tired, rejected, and all-out unworthy…

At least that’s what the voices want me to believe.

Problem is this…where are the human voices that tell me different?

I have plenty of friends that tell me the good things.

But there’s that one person, just one that I really need to hear it from.

Nothing, No matter how bad I feel.

It’s lost on them.

What, who, or where am I to them?

So the voices continue to penetrate whatever barriers I create.

You all stole something from me

I’d like it back from you.

When you raped me, touched me,

tried to make me believe

something that wasn’t right

or even true,

It ruined me inside and out.

There’s a deep dark pit in

hell waiting just for you.

You darkened a piece of my soul.

where you placed your dirty filthy name.

You placed a recording that never stops,

It’s always in playback mode.

I couldn’t have hated myself more

than when that recording becomes

too loud to drown out.

I’ve tried to quieten it, destroy it,

replace it, but it’s never silent nor still.

You robbed me of my value,

placing unworthiness in my mind.

By taking me, you transferred your worth onto me

making me turn on myself;

creating a deep, loathing self-hater.

I sought love, affection, and my worth

in all the wrong places.

Reaping more and more

worthless feelings and self-hate.

You stole my peace,

chaos running wild and free;

taming any notion to fight and break free.

I’d like the return of my peace.

My desire is to go even an hour

with the good things in life

to occupy my thoughts.

Instead the demons you placed there

scratch and claw their way into the forefront.

Pain chases the hope for peace

into deep darkness, peace is quiet.

You wrote many things in my life,

words no child or woman should ever hear.

Words and phrases that make any relationship hard;

anger, hate, and bitterness flowing to the surface

and exploding on them.

I didn’t deserve this, neither do they!

I am good enough,

I have amounted to something,

I am marriage material,

I am good for something more than just sex!

Truth be told, it’s your view of me that is tragic.

You see me as valueless, worthless, only good for sex.

Problem is…I WAS A CHILD!!!

I lost me that day.

Whoever I was created to be

you took that from me.

That 7-year-old girl

still walks around trying to survive

She’s stuck in this loop, and she’s tired.

She can’t die,

she can’t walk away,

She’s immortal.

You stripped me of my innocence

Took it and hung it around your neck.

I pray it chokes you to death!

When you look at me

It’s as if I’m your trophy

You had me first, didn’t you…

I was your gift from something unseen.

Maybe the demons in your mind

are screaming your name too,

I pray they never cease.

I can’t look at myself in the mirror

or a picture of myself without seeing

the things you wrote there.

Things like depression, pain, ugliness,

worthless, valueless, hate, anger, and destroyed.

You ripped out my childhood,

which has been tied to my adulthood.

I can’t get away from myself or my demons.

And if you chose to open your eyes,

and see what you have done to me,

you might find your demons there too,

Hiding behind my eyes.

Promised my niece I would share this for her. She’s in the 7th grade and is already writing her first novel. She read the first chapter to me and it is amazing!

So…here is her first publish…Ms C. Compton